Archive for January, 2008

20
Jan
08

Pulling a “U” at the crossroads…

OK, so I think I’ve goofed. Nothing apocalyptic in nature, but still.

I’ve realized, while trying to find new blogging motivation over the course of the last month, that I have departed massively from the original intent of this blog. Fortunately, I also know why. The original intent was good. But it was also pretty boring.

I suppose it is easier to comment about unusual stories, often possessing an inherent comedic twist (however morbid), than it is to write about serious (AKA “boring”) topics in a critical light while at the same time trying to make the writing interesting. It’s been done to death. But I already knew this. So why did I do it anyway? I Dunno. Probably out of boredom. Cause it was easy. And perhaps, maybe, to see if I could make a few people think. Just a little.

But somewhere that changed. The “thought” goal got replaced with “humor”. Got a little too caught up in trying to be social/sociable. Bah. I should have known better. But C’est la vie. Anyway, I’ll be off to get proper directions, (again) and (maybe) give this a fresh start. Again. We’ll see. I have much to unlearn.

If enough pointless dumb stuff pops out at me screaming loud enough to make me want to bash them upside the head with a 15lb sledge, expect to be swiftly returned to your regularly scheduled programming…

Peace!

~Blade

18
Jan
08

Have people no respect for the dead?

Two New York men wheeled the corpse of their friend around the sidewalks of midtown Manhattan in an office chair in a failed attempt to cash his $355 Social Security check, police said. – [Yahoo/Reuters]

You know what? This is wrong. Wrong like four thumbs and a pinkey wrong. An office chair? They couldn’t even spring for a rascal? Or even a wheel chair? What the heck?! Seriously, if, at my passing, any of my friends wheels me about in an office chair after I’m dead, I will come back, get up and smack them upside the head, twice, maybe thrice, and probably kick them in the shins for good measure.

Then I’d collect my last social security check, give it to the poor, notify the social security administration of my passing (in writing), break into their house, eat all of their food, being sure to finish all of the good alcohol, then call the police before finally crashing on their couch for the last time with a hand written note that says “This cheap bastige poisoned me.” clenched in my cold dead hand…

In fact, forget the freaking wheelchair, any of you blasted freeloaders reading this, if you ever try this with me, you better have a limo ready or my corpse is gonna open up a can of 100% USDA zombie butt kicking on your pathetic little hiene…

Men wheel out corpse in bid to cash check – [Yahoo/Reuters]

16
Jan
08

Polish couple caught in compromising situation…

What follows is a good illustration of how to tell your marriage is on a steep downhill decline:

A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees. – [Yahoo/Reuters]

LOL, … Whut?

Apparently the husband was flabbergasted. Shoot, the wife should have been equally flabbergasted. Flabberwhelmed more like it. Flabberwhelmation should have occured all around. And the sad thing is, now they are getting a divorce.

My question is… Why the divorce? Why now? Obviously, the wife has been sleeping with more men than a bunny rabbit on a balmy midsummers month, and the husband has been sleeping with all of her co workers, as it were, and yet they still both came home at night, for 14 years, and didn’t feel the need to try and kill each other. That’s impressive.

Now that it’s all out on the table, why ruin a good thing? Why not go all the way with it? If it were me, I’d be like, “So how much?”, and take it from there. Who knows. Might put the spark back into their marriage. But why not take it one step further? Why not see if we could work out an agreement where I could be her pimp. She’d never have to leave home. I’d provide protection, check all the guys out, make sure she’s got protection, start a website, sell the porn, you know, be her business manager… The works…

People these days. No business acumen. What a waste…

What are you doing here? – man asks wife at brothel – [Yahoo/Reuters]

14
Jan
08

Folks, Ash is a freaking movie character, OK?!

A man who believed he bore the “mark of the beast” used a circular saw to cut off one hand, then he cooked it in the microwave and called 911, authorities said. – [Yahoo/AP]

See, now this is what I call massive overkill. Seriously, if you have the mark of the beast on your hand or summat, what makes you think that cutting it off and nuking it will solve your problem? HA! Methinks he watched too much “Evil Dead II“, and not enough “Idle Hands“.

I mean think about it. Even if just separating the mark from your body would be sufficient, would you need to cut off your entire hand? How about just the mark? How bout just remove that sliver of skin it resides on? I suppose the term “Surgical removal” is foreign to this guy…

Sheesh. People these days…

Man cuts off, microwaves his own hand – [Yahoo/AP]

12
Jan
08

The best parent in the world…

A couple of days ago I wrote an article about a whacked out, drug crazed dad who committed the ultimate offense of improperly recycling his kids. Today I bring you the heartwarming story of the coolest, most awesome mom I have read about in a long time:

Jane Hambleton has dubbed herself the “meanest mom on the planet.” After finding alcohol in her son’s car, she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old’s misdeed with everyone — by placing an ad in the local newspaper.

The ad reads: “OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.”

The only critic is her son, who Hambleton says is “very, very unhappy” with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger.

Hambleton believes her son but has decided mercy isn’t the best policy in this case. She says she set two rules when she bought the car at Thanksgiving: No booze, and always keep it locked. – [Yahoo/AP]

You know what? This lady seems to understands what parenting is all about. And that’s all I got to say ’bout that. ‘Cept this. Go mom!

‘Mean mom’ sells son’s car after misdeed – [Yahoo/AP]

10
Jan
08

Children are NOT recyclables…

A day after reporting his four young children were missing, a shrimp fisherman broke down and confessed that he threw them off an 80-foot-high bridge to their deaths, authorities said Wednesday.

Authorities said they believe Luong then drove on Monday to the two-lane Dauphin Island bridge over the Intracoastal Waterway, stopped at the highest part of the span and threw the youngsters over the side. – [Yahoo/AP]

First of all, if you are going to throw your kids away, I think it’s a bad idea to just discard them over a bridge like that. He should have taken them to an authorized child recycling center, like what you are supposed to do with used electronics and stuff. Seriously.

And either way, he messed up. Big time. Kids are pretty resilient. And toddlers can swim. 10 or 20 years from now, if he’s still alive, he’s gonna get a knock on his door from one of his long lost toddlers, raised by a school of barracudas, with like a sharp, needle-like fish bone to pick with him. It’s not gonna be pretty.

Police: Dad threw 4 children off bridge – [Yahoo/AP]

09
Jan
08

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES…

Did you know that toddlers who are exposed to more stark contrasting blacks and whites as opposed to more bright colors statistically tend to become more intelligent adults?

Did you also know that 95.32% of the time, statistics featuring percentages to two decimal places or more are made up on the spot? I’ll bet you didn’t. But I’m not taking any chances. It was about time for some change, and in a last ditch effort to slow the erosion of intelligence of our nations youth, I have decided to take drastic action and go with a dark, striking theme this year.

OK, so I didn’t go with a purely black and white theme. Kind of more like a dark and bioluminescent one. Or something. At least it’s not pastels. Do I like it? I dunno yet. Will it work? I can only keep my fingers crossed. But with the rampant stupidity I see and read about everyday, I think we need all the help we can get, and I am not above defacing my blog if it will help just that teeny tiny bit…

But on a more serious note or less, depending on which way you slice it, I’ve decided to take a slightly different tack with this blog. Humor at the expense of the world. No more Mr. goody two shoes nice guy. Time to see how low I can go…

Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa…. :}

~Blade




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